Poem From a Narcissist (with real texts)
Days Before I Kicked Him Out
Context: Let’s call this guy Matt. We met on online. He seemed “normal” (read: not a serial killer) when we texted and FaceTime. Our first “date” was a magical weekend at a multi-day festival in the desert with his best friend.
I had asked Matt (seriously, without judgement) if him and his friend were lovers/dating. Let’s call the friend Josh. Matt said, “No, of course not! I love him but we haven’t had sex.” … as if sex is necessary for dating. They were both openly into having sex with penis-owners and the way they interacted was that of lovers.. so it wasn’t a far fetch question to ask. I took him at his word and we continued to mingle.
^Later after I kicked him out, I texted Josh seeing if we could still be friends (adults who are amicable) since we had a good connection. He responded, “I do know that I need to prioritize my relationship with Matt right now, as he is one of my soulmates..”
Matt is fourth generation wealth. He’s only know what a life where every need was met and in excess. Because of this, I forgave a few red flags. For example… I sent him the most beautiful female collar/necklace I’ve ever seen with ravens on it (like the giant raven tattoo I have on my side). I sent a message saying what it meant to me and why I was so excited to buy it for myself. He texted back sort of weird.. after a few questions I explicitly asked.. “Did you already buy it for yourself?” YEP. He had. Then he tried to gaslight me. “You shouldn’t be bummed about it. You get to look at it on your Daddy everyday now. You should be proud that I see the same beauty in it that you do Baby.” Ain’t nothing “Daddy” about that man!
*insert puking emoji here* I told him how not okay that was (read: selfish AF). I forgave him, however, since all he’s known has been a self-centered existence.. ‘maybe he didn’t know better’ I thought. My optimistic and forgiving nature has brought me endless joys and a few significant heartaches in this lifetime. This wasn’t one of those heartbreaks, rather, an annoyance for a waste of time.
I didn’t include the whole conversation as to not make your stomach turn in knots like mine is re-reading these weeks later…
He told me he “redirected” the necklace to me (assuming he contacted the sender). Matt must have canceled it because I never received it. Not that I want the energy it’s been bathed in at this point anywho.
Explaining basic emotional intelligence to an almost 30 year old man is something I’ve deciding I will not be doing anymore. Thanks for the life lessons, Matt!
Fast forward a couple weeks after daily texting and phone calls.. Matt was begging me to move in. Which meant moving 2.5 hours away from my friends and family into an empty 6 bedroom house (yes, he lived in a 6 bedroom house in the middle of the desert alone). I told him my concerns of isolation (what narcissists do with lovers.. isolate them). He promised I could invite people over and we could visit my friends on weekends. Before moving I said we needed to spend more time together first. We planned a weekend for him to stay with me. The morning of the 2nd day I kicked him out after an awful conversation where I realized this man was dangerously selfish, perhaps more bisexual/gay than he was willing to admit to himself, and had the EQ of a goldfish.
^Disclaimer, as someone LGBTQA+ myself… I LOVE and support anyone/everyone in their sexual essence and hope the above did not come off remotely homophobic. It was a shock to me how much he was trying to lock me down but how little he actually seemed to like women and how much more he seemed to be turned on and excited by men.
I told him to GTFO after an in-person conversation where he actually blew my mind with how selfish and emotionally unintelligent he was. He left, blocked my phone number, and minutes later (while driving) posted a selfie saying “Today, we glow” from my bathroom. I can’t make this sh*t up. But one thing we know for certain is that narcissists cannot handle blows to their ego. So I can understand how being kicked out of the “woman of your dreams” home quickly required a dopamine hit from strangers on the internet.
I received the poem below days before kicking this boy to the curb. The parts in bold are my commentary/context. Let’s begin!
Take a chance and try our desert dance.
^Convincing/begging me again to move into his empty 6 bedroom home 2.5 hours away from my community into isolation.
I can tell you that I can pour love into you from the end of work until we sleep every night.
^His work (read: his family business) comes first. One of the things he said the 2nd day we met was, “I love you, Raiy. Please make sure I prioritize us and a family over work.” *insert red flag here*
We can unite with your tribe on the weekends and planned trips.
It will be better than your current situation in Santee, despite it being 103.
Thank you for giving me your emotional energy.
I want to return the favor and fill your cup from sun down to sun up.
I’m working through self doubt and fear, but it looks like things are getting better year after year.
^One of the things he had expressed to me was that I was hard to “keep up with up” in that I think differently, process more quickly, and have a more “worldly” view than he (understandable since he was born, raised, and will die in the same area of Indio, California).
You deserve a container. Not a cup, a bowl, or a pool, you deserve the ocean.
I hope you know that as we grow that there is one thing that I want to show, and it is that I love you.
I don’t want to bomb you. I want to slowly and systematically calm you.
^This is in response to me bringing to his attention the narcissistic tendency to “love bomb.” Like how within the first 24 hours of knowing one another he was already talking about a prenup and being 50/50 on all property and investments.
Let our breaths take each other away, so we can fight another day.
Let us push though our hesitations, frustrations, and stubborn clients.
^I was the only one with hesitations. He told me “not to rush you but the faster you make a decision about moving in with me the easier it will be for me..” The frustrations were from me knowing his behavior wasn’t okay but forgiving and giving him a chance regardless. The stubborn clients I am not entirely sure what/who he was referring to. I love my clients and he doesn’t work with clients other than contractors for his daddy’s company.
Onward you beautiful warrior.
^Yes, you desert child. ONWARDS.
XOXO- Raiy
