Loving a 35yo Man With Three Kids

Who never wanted to be a dad, get married, or have any responsibility

It’s not easy
Pulling away from the one I love
I want to lean in harder
And make room for clarity from above

Above is within
And you, I’m without
Silence seems silly
This isn’t the route

My sister gave me clarity
“Love, why aren’t you talking? You know you want more…
Communication is key..
Silence won’t settle the score.”

She’s right. I know it
I never want to shut off this way
A part of me thinks it’s what you want
Less responsibility to ease your day

We all know you like to work far away
It takes all responsibility off your plate
You don’t have to parent or be responsible
You can text “I miss you” instead of planning an actual date

But that’s asinine, absurd
Absolutely insane
It’s not fair for me to think
My existence should burden you with pain

I’m not those past lovers
I’m not lecturing to your incompetence
I’m here supporting you and us
And filling the void of your absence

I’ve got “pick me” energy pouring out
Wanting, fighting, begging for your love
To be chased, desired, chosen
Tail between my legs with the admitting of

See I’m not proud I sometimes have this
But I can recognize it’s source
Unhealthy relationships models, emotionally unavailable father
Letting the karmic predicament unfold on its course

I can’t change that you’ve got a daughter
And a woman you married when you were a kid
A 10 year old who lives across the country
With a mom who would happily give you a final farewell bid

I can rally for us to see her
Yes, both you and I
And for you to set healthy boundaries as a dad
Not letting her guilt trips or “no other people” rule fly

I can’t change that you had a 2nd kid
With a woman you told you didn’t want to marry
You did it anyways because “it was the right thing”
And now a heavy burden you carry

I can’t change the fact
You didn’t want another kid with her
I think it’s horrid she raped you
And a responsible sex lesson incurred

I can love the children
Which I’ve done with all my heart
I can advocate for YOU
And each day being a fresh start

I want to own land
And home school the mini humans
I want to travel the world
And be treated better than your crewman

I desire to be put first
To be challenged with love
I crave deeper emotional intimacy
And sex that feels like a velvet glove

Spent 90 minutes on the phone this morning
Talking to one of my best friends of 3 years
He spoke brilliantly on issues I can’t talk about with anyone else
The kind of guy to hold me with his words when I blink away tears

He is on your team
On team us
But cautions against
Me staying on the bus

The bus that is your life
That has me a side character in this story
When I’m being attacked by an ex wife
Why haven’t you been an alpha and stop the quarry?

It’s beta shit
That you stand up for her more than me
Yesterday on the phone defending her
When I needed to release

Yep, she’s not dead yet
Not going away anytime soon
But I will if there’s no progress
In prioritizing us, ya goon

I don’t hate her, duh
Despite every reason she’s given me to
I put pressed flowers in an envelope days ago for her
A nice card when it’d be easier to throw poo

I’m the bigger person
If I had a dick… it would be bigger
Longer and stronger than her ego
Fat enough to stick in you and silence those triggers

No more beta shit
If she verbally attacks me, my friend
You better alpha up and set a boundary
Or you’ll never see me again

You defended her yesterday
More than you’ve defended me to her
You owe her boundaries and that’s it
All other courtesies can be transferred

Stand in front of me
Tell her to back down
Make sure I’m there for pickups
Don’t ever knock off my crown

Tell me what you want
Will you marry me?
Tell me what you want
Where can we get property?

Tell me what you dream
The logistics we can workout anytime
Tell me how you see my highest self
Tuck me in with love at bedtime

If you’re unwilling
To move forward and unweave a past web
Than my boundary is this
You’re no longer welcome in my bed

Life can start fresh
Each and every fathaafuckin day
Yes, circumstances are still neutral
No, the kids aren’t going away

We can make the life we want to have
Including 2, maybe 3 kids to see
We could make new life if we want
Raise them with conscious loving awareness.. with ME

An opportunity for the first time in your life
To be a fully present caretaker
An opportunity to love without abuse
Fore go identify of heartbreaker and exchange it with dream maker

We can parent the kids of the world who need love
Open a home school academy
We can advocate for the innocent and stopping needless harm
Open an animal sanctuary, no apathy

Less drama
More moments of you pulling me in tight
Less projections
More sharing of insights

Take more pictures of me
Compliment me every single day
Show me I matter the most
Or you’ll see me walk away

Take charge with holidays
Don’t make me chase you with questions
When I say I don’t want to have to fill my own stocking
Make suggestions

A giant red flag that needs to be addressed
Is the secrecy around your phone
At this point there’s nothing to lose
Only opportunity to have a strong backbone

Own what you’re doing
Own your truest of truth
If you are hiding things from me
I’m not longer here to sooth

Not a peace maker if my tribe is lying
Not a peace keeper if my love turns away
Not going to give myself anymore
To a lover who has things he won’t say

Delete the naked photos of other women
Erase texts you sent out of anger in a moment
Clear space so when I see your phone
You can treat it as a bestowment

Or continue to hide
And not offer moments of transparency
If that’s the case.. another boundary
And you’ve provided me deeper clarity

“Cheaters are cheaters
Not to dismiss what his ex’s did
But why you think he’d be different with you
May be an optimistic overbid”

Advice from a confidant
When I asked thoughts on phone secrecy
Sure if you’re looking for something
It may come out in full transparency

And if it does… okay
How incredible we can chat on it
Grow stronger or decide to be finished
To walk forward better or leave the shit

If you’ve got nothing to hide…
Then what’s the fuss?
Work through past traumas
Show up to me driving a new bus

I’ve got things to hide
Ever thought of that?
Like how badly I crave that perfect cock of yours
And to have you stoke and try to tame my brat

Perhaps that’s not a secret ;)
And rather something I need to address
It’s not a threat it’s a mandatory for me
I need you to throw me around and caress

You’re strong, well-intended
Loving, and kind
Learning and growing
With you there isn’t a moment I’d rewind

“Little Joys of the Finite”
I wanted to send this to you
Give it a listen
Or like me… a few

Sharing little joys
An infinite game in a finite existence
Sharing little joys
A playful creation in coexistence