Hiding Your Secrets
Gaslighting Turned Me Into a Gullible Fool
I deleted Instagram
If it matters in your mind
Tempted to tell my people
About how I was so blind
Blind to the red flags
Gaslighting turning me into a gullible fool
I want to tell the story where I sang
Since you didn’t protect me at the pool
Partially deleted it for you
In solidarity of your social media free
I would have done it sooner
If you had actually protected me
Support looks like defending
And standing in front of harms way
You let her corner and verbally assault
Instead of holding my hand those days
The breaks are fucked up in the Jeep
Feels like they’ll give out during any stop
How do I ask for your support and safety
Thought you grabbed the bucket and mop
Sweep up the mess
Scrub the floors of the drama
I thought you were committed to this
Is this sudden change your karma
You didn’t view her as a threat
Telling me to build tougher skin
Just because she didn’t have a gun
Doesn’t mean there’s not danger up to the brim
I’d be able to be even more gentle
If I ever had your unwavering support
You isolated me in the fear
Yet still drove me to court
That’s why I’m holding onto
Those glimpses of there-ness
Having hard conversations
More successfully merging business
I was going to call the court this week
See options for dropping the order
Except now we aren’t speaking
And that sounded like a cry of disorder
Disorder of mind
Saying what I needed to hear
Then upset over picture privacy
Now unwilling to come near
Was actively pursuing the idea
To call and see my options
If it’s possible to drop it, set boundaries
And if she breaks them, releasing new toxins
J broke my smaller collar last night
The symbolism blaring loudly
Time to release the older smaller version
Replace it with something to wear more proudly
The question is
Will I be replacing it myself or will my guy
Will my Daddy buy me the symbolic item
And step into the role as my man.. or quit and be shy
There’s a country song on
“And I thought I loved you then”
Playing as I write this
I want what you’ve promised.. not your men
“Now you’re my whole life
Now you’re my whole world
I just can’t believe
The way I feel about you girl
Like a river meets the see
Stronger than its ever been
We’ve come so far from that day
And I thought I loved you then”
The depth of my heart ache
Is because of the depth of the joy
Loving and celebrating
Life with a man and his girl and boy
I’ve spent hours and hours
Allowing a massive disruption of peace
Yet I’ve consciously chosen to be here
Recommitting daily, in front of you on my knees
I see where we are good for one another
Where there’s opportunities to grow
If everything was always easy
No new seeds we would sew
If I wanted easy
I would have left ages ago
I have endless options
This ain’t no death row
I’ve got bidders
With a world to give and affirm
“Peace” is for death
Life provides us space to dance and squirm
I’ve provided you confidence
I’ve left other suiters on read
I’ve nurtured and affirmed
It’s you’ve I’ve invited into my bed
Our home was just blooming
For the first time you said.. hearing it’s ok to make it your own
I hung up the picture you brought me from work
And everything Amadeus brought home
The yo-yo of commitment
That’s what I want to end
No more fear of the highest expression
Two sounds have begun to blend
