3am Restless Lying Next to Him
Both restless at nights
3am and lying still after you came all over my back
You washed it off then I put my head on your chest
Feeling your mind in my body — there’s a mental attack
I ask what’s on your mind
Why not have life chats at all hours
You mention all of your stressors
Ex wives and oldest daughter being sour
You’re sad, guilt-ridden
Even an entire decade later
Nervous this isn’t the end 10, 20, 30 more years from now
Will you still feel like a traitor
Instead of crying over those regrets again
What if your behavior was forward moving
What if instead of self punishment of reminiscing
You choose to do better — take time soothing
Soothe yourself
Soothe our dynamic
Instead of saying weird lies
Tell me you ordered a drink in a hammock
Fuck the weird work around
“Amadeus got a Shirley temple”
Well K, what’d you get?
Only then sharing a truth more ample
Lie to me again
And it’ll be the last
More than a threat
This is a chance to make up your past
Better yet
It’s a chance to be born anew
Do better than ever with me, with us
Watch the magic ensue
You’re thinking of wives
And what to do next with lawyers
Yet you refuse to sell N’s house
A mutual destroyer
I was thinking of my breeding kink
How I crave for it to be played into
Keeping me mouth shut though
You never ask and don’t listen when you do
You’re thinking of a 10 year old
Who doesn’t need or want you in their life
One who took on the energy
Of a suicidal angry grown woman’s strife
I was thinking about marriage
A wedding ceremony with family and friends
Something sweet and meaningful
But you’re only thinking of amends
How can you make it up to the X
You think you owe her a great deal
You don’t owe her shit or vice versa
Not the time of day or a hot meal
My mind drifting to travel
And a life I can get excited about
Home schooling and navigating this lifetime
With someone who makes me moan and shout
Your travel doesn’t include me
It includes you being gone for months
Missing my birthday, Christmas, New Years
One year anniversary, Valentine’s Day — reality confronts
The reality is this
I’m fully here
Your next to me now
But rarely clear
Clear on the future
Clear on desires
Clear on being together
Clear on what can transpire
Said you know you need monogamy
Yet have no problem fucking others
As if it’s possible to disconnect emotionally
Maybe for you — why you cheated on the kids’ mothers
Said it’s beta male behavior
To be monogamous to a partner with another
What’s real beta shit is saying you want just me
Then saying you’d only be with me that way if we both were with others
If monogamy is your truth
It doesn’t matter what I want
You’d stay true to you
And support me, not taunt
We don’t offer the same things
Nothing about this relationship is equal
You use my help, time, money, energy
Is this the third marriage sequel?
Sure equality isn’t tit for tat
I don’t mean this in that sense
I mean I’m ALL in with a man
Who cant ever be the same intense
We can’t manifest together
There’s no room to be on the same page
No magic brewing here
Too busy watching you and the kids age
More grays grow in your beard
As each month passes
More concerned with trucks and bikes
Than engagement rings or classes
What do I do
Loving someone is hard this way
When I’m able to give my everything
And you’re not here to stay
Gone with the wind
Months of leaving me behind
I’m starting to look forward to your absence
I’m sorry if that sounds unkind
Looking for the silver lining
Knowing the distance will allow me to grow
More room to spread my wings
Dance harder and dream bigger — living my own show
Meet new people
I wish I wasn’t afraid for deeper connection
Nervous if I emotionally connect with someone
You’ll pull away your affection
I’ll use the time to do my education
Just signed up for another course
I’ll spend my mornings reading again
And stop with the logistical back and forth
I’ll get a break from the draining desire
To ask you questions galore
And the frustrations I feel
When you don’t communicate more
I’ll have space to breath
And I’ll meal prep again
I know I’ll be physically and mentally stronger
When I don’t have to nurture or bend
Bend to meet at your level
Slowly lose myself with the energy match
There won’t be a need to hide my shine
Able to be interesting and interested — a catch
It’s a mind fuck
Going to miss the kids
Still wondering why you haven’t stood up for me
But will shut down strangers bids
I just stood up to cuddle the baby
Who was crying out for love
You stood up to and beat me there
Brought her back and onto me she shoved
Her face swept my lips
I puckered them gently
She felt this too
And kissed me intently
Losing you
Would be too intense
It’s not just you
I love A & Z immense
